Stop lying to yourself about wanting an “authentic” experience. We all do it. We spend six months telling our coworkers about the “hidden gem” airbnb we found in a village where no one speaks English, but then Friday at 4:45 PM hits and all we actually want is to be a human vegetable. You want a wristband. You want a drink that is mostly sugar and neon-blue syrup. You want vacation packages deals all inclusive because, frankly, making decisions is exhausting.

I used to be a total snob about this. I thought resorts were for people who had given up on life. I was wrong. I was completely, embarrassingly wrong. I realized this in 2018 when I tried to do a “rugged” solo trip to Tulum and ended up spending $42 on a taxi just to find a pharmacy that sold decent sunscreen. Meanwhile, my brother was at a resort down the coast, probably four margaritas deep, having spent exactly zero dollars since he landed. That was the turning point for me.

But let’s be real: most of these “deals” are absolute garbage. If you see a package for $499 including flights to Cancun, you aren’t going on a vacation; you are going to a hostage negotiation. I know this because I fell for it. I booked a deal at the Grand Oasis (I’m naming names, I don’t care) and spent four hours of my life trapped in a windowless room with a guy named Rodrigo who tried to sell me a thirty-year timeshare. I cried. I actually cried in front of a man wearing a name tag. Never again.

The math is usually a lie (unless you’re a heavy hitter)

I actually sat down and tracked my spending on my last three trips. I’m a nerd like that. I used a spreadsheet to compare a 5-night stay at the Hyatt Ziva versus a standard hotel plus dining out. What I found was—actually, let me put it differently. The “deal” isn’t the food. The food is usually mediocre at best, like high-end wedding catering that’s been sitting under a heat lamp for twenty minutes. The real deal is the lack of friction.

I calculated that at a mid-tier resort in Punta Cana, you have to drink roughly 11.4 cocktails a day to break even on the “premium” beverage package upgrade, which usually costs about $65 extra per day. I know people who can do that. I am not one of them. If you aren’t trying to see through time by Tuesday afternoon, don’t pay for the top-shelf upgrade. The house tequila is fine. It’s fine! Stop pretending you’re a connoisseur when you’re drinking out of a plastic cup in a pool.

The buffet line at 8:00 AM is like a slow-motion riot where the only weapon is a pair of plastic tongs. It’s chaotic, it’s slightly depressing, and yet, there is something beautiful about a man in a Hawaiian shirt eating four different types of breakfast potatoes at once.

Anyway, I digress. I have this weird obsession with hotel towels. Does anyone else feel like the quality of the pool towel is the only true metric of a resort’s soul? If it’s thin and scratchy, the management is cutting corners on the plumbing too. I guarantee it.

The brands I actually trust (and the one I’ll never touch)

I know people will disagree with me here, and they’ll say I’m being unfair, but I refuse to ever set foot in a Sandals resort again. I don’t care if they have the best beaches in Jamaica. I find the whole vibe to be aggressively performative. It feels like being trapped inside a brochure for a life I don’t actually want. It’s too polished. It’s too “couples-only” in a way that feels slightly cultish.

If you’re looking for vacation packages deals all inclusive that don’t suck, look at these two instead:

• Excellence Playa Mujeres: It’s expensive, but the “deal” here is that you don’t feel like a number. I’ve been twice. The rooms are actually clean, and they don’t harass you to buy a timeshare every time you walk to the lobby.
• Secrets Resorts: Specifically the ones in Huatulco. It’s a bit harder to get to, which keeps the “spring break” crowd away. I tracked the price for six months and found that if you book exactly 82 days out, the price drops by nearly 30%.

I might be wrong about this, but I think the whole “boutique hotel” trend is a scam for people who want to feel superior. Give me a massive, soul-less resort with 400 rooms any day. At least I know the water pressure will be decent and there will be someone whose entire job is to bring me a club sandwich at 2:00 AM. That’s luxury. Not a hand-woven rug in a room with no air conditioning.

What I mean is—actually, let’s talk about the food

I used to think all-inclusives were for people who didn’t know how to travel. I was completely wrong. But the food… man, the food is a gamble. I’ve had sushi in the Dominican Republic that I am reasonably sure was just canned tuna and despair. But then I’ve had mole in a resort in Riviera Maya that changed my molecular structure.

The trick is to avoid the “specialty” restaurants. They make you make a reservation at 7:00 AM, they make you wear long pants in 90-degree heat, and the food is just the buffet food with a fancier garnish. Just go to the buffet. Be the person with the plate of random stuff. It’s more honest.

A cheap all-inclusive deal is like a dated haircut; it looks okay in the mirror until you see a photo of yourself next to someone who actually spent money. You get what you pay for. If the deal seems too good to be true, you’re going to be sleeping on a mattress that feels like a bag of rocks. I’ve been there. My back still hurts from a “budget” stay in Cozumel back in ’14.

Just book the damn flight separately. Seriously. Most “package” deals hide the fact that they’re putting you on a budget airline with three layovers. Buy your own flight on United or Delta, then book the resort directly. You’ll save maybe $50 doing the bundle, but you’ll lose ten years of your life in the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. Not worth it.

I don’t know why I’m so fired up about this today. Maybe it’s because I’m sitting in my office looking at a gray sky and dreaming about a swim-up bar. Is it weird that I actually miss the smell of industrial-grade chlorine and cheap coconut oil? Probably. But at least I’m honest about it.

Where are you even supposed to go this year? Everything feels like it’s doubled in price since 2021. I’m looking at places in Albania now because I heard they have all-inclusives, but I have no idea if that’s a brilliant move or a disaster waiting to happen.

Don’t buy the insurance unless you’re actually sick. It’s a racket.